Transparency

I'm going to be really transparent with you today and that scares me.

I started counseling yesterday. You may be thinking, "oh yes, she has cancer, she definitely would benefit from counseling." Actually yes, I do have cancer, but that is far from what I need counseling for. I think the reason I want to share this with you is that I want someone out there to know that it's ok to need counseling. It's ok to deal with your emotional shortcomings and baggage.

My whole life I have dealt with anger. I learned ways to cope as a kid that eventually progressed into some good but mostly bad coping mechanisms. Over the years I've always been able to manage my anger, keep it at bay and hide it, but for the last five years, I began to let it dwell deep within me. My seed of anger at times turned into bitterness, hurt, anxiety, depression. I haven't always felt all of those emotions at once and sometimes they participated in different seasons of my life. One thing has been for sure though, my anger may have left for brief moments, but it NEVER went away. As I was listening to a podcast this morning, the communicator said something so pivotal for me. He said, "When anger comes on the inside of you, it kills emotions." I literally played that over and over. It hit me in the gut; hard. I can be very analytical so as I began to analyze that statement a wave of realization came over me. I am guilty of allowing anger to control and destroy my emotions. I have allowed anger to replace who I am and it has stifled my ability to be compassionate, kind, loving, and most importantly joyful. I still possess these things and I do share them at times with a genuine heart but I have allowed myself to not experience them to the fullness that God created them to be in me. Those negative emotions associated with anger have replaced the most important parts of me. Instead of joy, I find solace in pessimism. Instead of kindness I have chosen criticism. Rather than compassion and love, I wait to be used and disregarded. Anger has changed the way I am as a wife, a mom, a daughter, a friend. It swept in like a thief in the night and I cultivated it by turning inward rather than turning to God. This is quite possibly one of the hardest fights of my life. To be ok with allowing God to change my heart. To be so vulnerable in my emotions and realize that in order to be better I have to let go of all control.

So here I am, blogging about anger. It's not really something I ever thought I'd openly share with so many people but I'm on a new journey. A journey to find a better me. A journey to experience the full joy of the One who created me because I deserve that and so do you. So as you read this, you may not be dealing with anger, but maybe you're dealing with hopelessness. Maybe its sorrow or regret. Whatever it is, I know we serve a God who can change the heart of anyone who lets Him.