Tonight as I crawled into bed alone, it felt different. I've been going to bed alone for a few months now but tonight, something shifted. I rode into bed on an emotional wave that I haven't ridden before. Ever since things changed I have certainly dealt with big emotions, but tonight fear was the most prevalent one.
Fear of death.
Fear of being alone forever.
Fear of never being happy like I once was.
Fear of not being enough.
Fear of failing....again.
The fear and emotion felt crippling. I couldn't get out from underneath it. What do you do with an emotion that completely isolates you? I found myself at a crossroads. I had a choice. A choice to succumb or a choice to push through. A choice to let the tears fall or a choice to stuff these feelings I've been fighting for so long. A choice to write this post to let someone out there know they're not alone or a choice to continue to smile through the pain and pretend like everything is ok. So I made my choice. Here I am pushing through with strength I had to pull from deep places, tears streaming down my face, letting someone, anyone, know that they're not alone.
I see you struggling mom, barely making ends meet and having nothing left to give to anyone.
I see you frazzled wife, feeling broken and misunderstood because the days are long and the nights are lonely.
I see you woman of God, working so diligently to push the kingdom forward, so afraid that what you're doing is not enough.
For every person reading this tonight, I see you. I see the heartache in your eyes and the smile on your face. I see how you care so deeply for others yet have no one pouring into you. I recognize the crippling anxiety that you carry and the amazing fight that you somehow find within your soul each day to go on. I see you, and in case no one told you today, you're doing great.
So tonight as I go back to bed, I will attempt to conquer my fears, because in the end, fear doesn't win if it never takes away the things you fear in the first place.
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