March 2020. I walk into a doctors office, wearing a mask as Covid was stirring up it's chaos around the world. I already felt like I couldn't breath, but the words the doctor spoke to me "you have cancer", truly knocked the breath out of my lungs.
Fast forward. October 4, 2024. I've been on medication for this disease for 4.5 years. I am one, just ONE major benchmark away from the words remission and this tiny little lab gets in my way. Positive BRC-ABL. The cancer is present. The air was sucked out of my lungs again today.
Cancer is a disgusting word. When you look up the definition of it, it takes you down a medical road and in other findings, it's considered to be a practice or phenomenon that is deadly and evil.
I've known that this would be a chronic battle, hence the name chronic myeloid leukemia, but the battle isn't always in the physical. Sometimes it's the places your mind takes you. The fear, the wave of emotion, the heaviness that comes with all of it. My mind thinks of my kids. What they've been through. How much they still need me and it just snowballs into an oblivion of chaos and sorrow.
So with the pain and uncertainty of today, I decided to blog again. It's truly what got me through some of the hardest years of my life. I know that this is just a season and I am capable of hard things. But nothing will change the fact that cancer, is a word I'll hate forever.
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