Aloneness.

It's been a while. 14 days to be exact. I have felt halted in my blogging because of the lack of interest by others. I have felt alone...A LOT these past few weeks. It's no one's fault really, but just a place that I've been with no give of the relentless aloneness. I don't even know if that's a word but aloneness has been the place I've been in. Alone with my thoughts, alone with my feelings, alone without much contact with the outside world. I know I'm surrounded by a village, don't get me wrong. But the people in my world, they don't know how it feels to have leukemia, during a pandemic, while homeschooling and going through nursing school. They just don't. And that's ok because we're all facing our own battles right now. I'm just simply stating, I feel all alone. I'm learning that my expectations for people's support needs to change because a lot of people have been failing me lately. People that I so desperately wanted and thought would support me in this time of life-change, have failed me. Maybe unintentionally or maybe intentionally, either way, it's really hurt. I've tried my best not to have my feelings hurt, but they are, and that's ok because we're all living through trying times. The thing about trying times is that we either see the positive or the negative. It's a choice you have to make. For the most part, I've chosen the positive. But in the last few weeks, I've been caught up in the negative of others. The negative of others has brought me here to aloneness. This isn't a message of blame, but maybe rather a wake-up call for us (myself included.) Be the positivity someone needs and if you can't be positive find other coping mechanisms to turn to, and people who will love you through your bad attitudes and thoughts. The world needs more light and it's a choice to not be swallowed by the darkness. I've been losing light each day and today I made the choice to let that light overcome my darkness. As I watched Storyside church this morning, they sang a song titled "Raise a Hallelujah". I sobbed through that song. The words pierced my soul and challenged the darkness I've let in my life. If you're not familiar with it, it goes like this:

"I raise a hallelujah, with everything inside of me

I raise a hallelujah, I will watch the DARKNESS flee

I raise a hallelujah, in the middle of the mystery

I raise a hallelujah, fear you've lost your hold on me!"

We are living in uncertain times that have brought darkness, mystery, and fear. It's so important right now that we try our best to let the light shine on those things. It could be so easy to remain disappointed in situations, people, the things we can't control. I'm challenging us to see and be the light. Choose positivity. Raise a hallelujah so the darkness has no choice but to flee.