Transparency

I'm going to be really transparent with you today and that scares me.

I started counseling yesterday. You may be thinking, "oh yes, she has cancer, she definitely would benefit from counseling." Actually yes, I do have cancer, but that is far from what I need counseling for. I think the reason I want to share this with you is that I want someone out there to know that it's ok to need counseling. It's ok to deal with your emotional shortcomings and baggage.

My whole life I have dealt with anger. I learned ways to cope as a kid that eventually progressed into some good but mostly bad coping mechanisms. Over the years I've always been able to manage my anger, keep it at bay and hide it, but for the last five years, I began to let it dwell deep within me. My seed of anger at times turned into bitterness, hurt, anxiety, depression. I haven't always felt all of those emotions at once and sometimes they participated in different seasons of my life. One thing has been for sure though, my anger may have left for brief moments, but it NEVER went away. As I was listening to a podcast this morning, the communicator said something so pivotal for me. He said, "When anger comes on the inside of you, it kills emotions." I literally played that over and over. It hit me in the gut; hard. I can be very analytical so as I began to analyze that statement a wave of realization came over me. I am guilty of allowing anger to control and destroy my emotions. I have allowed anger to replace who I am and it has stifled my ability to be compassionate, kind, loving, and most importantly joyful. I still possess these things and I do share them at times with a genuine heart but I have allowed myself to not experience them to the fullness that God created them to be in me. Those negative emotions associated with anger have replaced the most important parts of me. Instead of joy, I find solace in pessimism. Instead of kindness I have chosen criticism. Rather than compassion and love, I wait to be used and disregarded. Anger has changed the way I am as a wife, a mom, a daughter, a friend. It swept in like a thief in the night and I cultivated it by turning inward rather than turning to God. This is quite possibly one of the hardest fights of my life. To be ok with allowing God to change my heart. To be so vulnerable in my emotions and realize that in order to be better I have to let go of all control.

So here I am, blogging about anger. It's not really something I ever thought I'd openly share with so many people but I'm on a new journey. A journey to find a better me. A journey to experience the full joy of the One who created me because I deserve that and so do you. So as you read this, you may not be dealing with anger, but maybe you're dealing with hopelessness. Maybe its sorrow or regret. Whatever it is, I know we serve a God who can change the heart of anyone who lets Him.

To the Mom with a broken heart on Mother's Day

For the last eleven years, Mother's Day has come with a sense of dread. It comes with even heavier emotions. When you have suffered loss, Mother's Day looks totally different and you can't help it. Whether it's the loss of your own mom, the yearning within you to be a mom, or in my case, the loss of a child, it takes you into totally different territory regarding the holiday. I want to first preface that I do love being a mom. I am thankful for the gifts I have in my children, but it sucks at the same time. And that's ok. It IS possible to experience joy and sorrow at the same time, and sometimes it's messy and hard to manage.

Let me try to explain it better. Remember the first time the doctor laid that baby in your arms? You looked at them and thought to yourself, how could I ever love another human as much as I do this one? But then baby number two comes along and somehow your heart grows in a way you didn't know was possible. It's the same thing when you mourn a loss. A piece of your heart aches, physically hurts, and even feels dead, but there are still parts of that same heart that are capable of loving so hard and so deep. This is what it's like to live broken-hearted.

At the end of the day, I want to recognize those who are hurting because sometimes we feel forgotten during a holiday such as this. One thing I can promise you is that you are loved, you are supported and if you ever need a friend to hold you while you cry, or vent through frustrated feelings, I've got you. Never think that you are alone. We're out here, feeling the same feelings, waiting for someone in our life to come along and understand our pain.

With all my love,

the mom with a broken heart on Mother's Day

Aloneness.

It's been a while. 14 days to be exact. I have felt halted in my blogging because of the lack of interest by others. I have felt alone...A LOT these past few weeks. It's no one's fault really, but just a place that I've been with no give of the relentless aloneness. I don't even know if that's a word but aloneness has been the place I've been in. Alone with my thoughts, alone with my feelings, alone without much contact with the outside world. I know I'm surrounded by a village, don't get me wrong. But the people in my world, they don't know how it feels to have leukemia, during a pandemic, while homeschooling and going through nursing school. They just don't. And that's ok because we're all facing our own battles right now. I'm just simply stating, I feel all alone. I'm learning that my expectations for people's support needs to change because a lot of people have been failing me lately. People that I so desperately wanted and thought would support me in this time of life-change, have failed me. Maybe unintentionally or maybe intentionally, either way, it's really hurt. I've tried my best not to have my feelings hurt, but they are, and that's ok because we're all living through trying times. The thing about trying times is that we either see the positive or the negative. It's a choice you have to make. For the most part, I've chosen the positive. But in the last few weeks, I've been caught up in the negative of others. The negative of others has brought me here to aloneness. This isn't a message of blame, but maybe rather a wake-up call for us (myself included.) Be the positivity someone needs and if you can't be positive find other coping mechanisms to turn to, and people who will love you through your bad attitudes and thoughts. The world needs more light and it's a choice to not be swallowed by the darkness. I've been losing light each day and today I made the choice to let that light overcome my darkness. As I watched Storyside church this morning, they sang a song titled "Raise a Hallelujah". I sobbed through that song. The words pierced my soul and challenged the darkness I've let in my life. If you're not familiar with it, it goes like this:

"I raise a hallelujah, with everything inside of me

I raise a hallelujah, I will watch the DARKNESS flee

I raise a hallelujah, in the middle of the mystery

I raise a hallelujah, fear you've lost your hold on me!"

We are living in uncertain times that have brought darkness, mystery, and fear. It's so important right now that we try our best to let the light shine on those things. It could be so easy to remain disappointed in situations, people, the things we can't control. I'm challenging us to see and be the light. Choose positivity. Raise a hallelujah so the darkness has no choice but to flee.