I See You

Tonight as I crawled into bed alone, it felt different. I've been going to bed alone for a few months now but tonight, something shifted. I rode into bed on an emotional wave that I haven't ridden before. Ever since things changed I have certainly dealt with big emotions, but tonight fear was the most prevalent one.

Fear of death.

Fear of being alone forever.

Fear of never being happy like I once was.

Fear of not being enough.

Fear of failing....again.

The fear and emotion felt crippling. I couldn't get out from underneath it. What do you do with an emotion that completely isolates you? I found myself at a crossroads. I had a choice. A choice to succumb or a choice to push through. A choice to let the tears fall or a choice to stuff these feelings I've been fighting for so long. A choice to write this post to let someone out there know they're not alone or a choice to continue to smile through the pain and pretend like everything is ok. So I made my choice. Here I am pushing through with strength I had to pull from deep places, tears streaming down my face, letting someone, anyone, know that they're not alone.

I see you struggling mom, barely making ends meet and having nothing left to give to anyone.

I see you frazzled wife, feeling broken and misunderstood because the days are long and the nights are lonely.

I see you woman of God, working so diligently to push the kingdom forward, so afraid that what you're doing is not enough.

For every person reading this tonight, I see you. I see the heartache in your eyes and the smile on your face. I see how you care so deeply for others yet have no one pouring into you. I recognize the crippling anxiety that you carry and the amazing fight that you somehow find within your soul each day to go on. I see you, and in case no one told you today, you're doing great.

So tonight as I go back to bed, I will attempt to conquer my fears, because in the end, fear doesn't win if it never takes away the things you fear in the first place.

Seasons change

Have you ever truly taken the time to watch the seasons change? The slow progression of the trees changing from green, then to yellow and finally to the beautiful fall oranges and reds? Or noticing the weather shifting slowly from sweet summer breezes to the crisp fall air that leaves frost on the grass? It really does progress slowly but most of the time we are too busy to notice it in it's full glory. For me it feels as though one day I wake up and it's 85 degrees and sunny and the next day I'm running back into the house searching for last year's winter coat. How do we miss the changing of the seasons? I think it's the same as when we feel the drastic change from one season in our lives to another. We're just cruising along (at a much faster pace than we should be) and all of the sudden we feel slammed into something new. Things shift and somehow we've missed seeing it coming. It's like when you're driving on a long stretch of road and ten minutes goes by before you realize that you've not paid a single bit of attention to where you're going yet somehow you're getting to where you need to be and making great time.

The season of life I've been in recently has been challenging and it has come with major changes. I certainly did not see it coming nor was I prepared for it in anyway. But really, can we ever be prepared for the seasons to change? It's never the same. Sometimes they move slowly and other times they come so quickly that we can't even seem to get our bearings. The one thing I do know is that we serve a God who knows what season we're in AND when the next season is coming. Now, saying that is much easier to hear than to accept. But let's grasp this concept that I've been chewing on. What is our real issue with the seasons changing, whether good or bad? Is it lack of control? The need to "feel prepared" or maybe just wanting to brace ourselves for the impact it may have on the comfortability of our lives. Whatever it may be, I'm learning that I need to get out of the way. Get out of the way of what God is trying to do in me, what He may be trying to protect me from. I need to try my best to see the good in the season that I'm entering into and the season I'm exiting. It's not always easy to be removed from a season you're enjoying because it's easier to stay where you are and it's so, SOOO comfortable. That's actually part of the reason it's good to enter into a new season. It stretches us, brings us better things and until we're on the other side of the current season, we don't even have the capacity to realize we needed to leave it. There is always good in a new season but finding that good is truly about mindset. Let me preface that I in no way have conquered this mindset of finding good in all things, but in these changing times

, I've had to try my best to work a little bit harder searching for the positivity behind change. I thought as I got older, the changing seasons would get easier but boy was I wrong. The older I get the more tired I am and the less I welcome said change.

So for now, my decision is to rest in this new season, embrace the change that I'm facing and trust God to handle the details. Besides, He already knows what's coming, it's just up to me to believe He's got this.

Find the best

For us to find the best in ourselves, we have to be looking for the best deep down within us. We need to surround ourselves with the best, choose the best situations to be in, and ultimately be looking for the best in others as well. When looking for the best in ourselves and those around us we have to make a constant choice to look past offense, see through insecurities {that are simply lies from the enemy}, and view our lives through the lens that Jesus sees us through. Now, all of this is simply easier said than done but that's where intentionality comes in. Being intentional means you have to force yourself outside of our own personal comfort zone. You have to realize that in your good intentions other people may still have bad intentions. It's about discovering who you are at the core and building upon those positive things all whilst removing the negative things that have covered your heart for so long. I have found it to be very interesting that when you start working on finding the best in yourself, those around you notice, and just because they notice does NOT mean they have a positive response to that change. In finding yourself you have to be willing to accept the good with the bad. You have to be willing to remove those who do not support your choice to be better because what's the saying, misery loves company? You will quickly recognize miserable people in your life. You will wonder if you've been the miserable person in someone's life at one point. Blinders will be removed when you start to see the good. That's where Satan comes in. We have spoken negativity and given him the authority to blind us. But he holds no power over us when we speak truth. Light. God's promises. He no longer can use what we say when we give him nothing to work with. I challenge you to look deep within your soul. It's probably going to hurt because when we dig deep for the person God created us to be, we are forced to dig up past hurts, insecurities, emotional baggage, and bad memories that we maybe haven't dealt with. It's time to say goodbye to those old things and revive the spirit within you that carries light, hope, confidence, and positive thoughts. You deserve to be that person! STOP waiting, STOP making excuses, and MOVE to find her!