So long 35!

Remember that one birthday you had where you thought, "yes, I am so glad this year is coming to an end!" Well I have had that/those birthday(s). I thought that once at 20, and then again at 25, and then one more time at 27. I guess the universe thought it had been too long and I was long overdue for another year like those other ones.

All joking aside, 35 has been a year of bad doctor's reports, failed relationships, the unknown, death, grief and many other things that I won't even waste time mentioning. But it's also been a year of growth, healing, new beginnings, strength and courage. As much as last year sucked (and as much as I'm ready for it to come to a screeching halt), I am thankful for the lessons of 35.

At 35, I've had to find my independence again.

I've had to learn how to better take care of me.

I've reprioritized everything in my life.

I've become more disciplined.

More determined.

More courageous.

And most importantly more in love with ME.

Now that's not to say I haven't had some missteps. Lord knows that I've said some things I can't take back, I've punched a pillow (or 10), I've eaten my emotions and then sometimes stuffed them until they finally bubbled up and boiled over. I am certainly not perfect but I am better. I'm better because I've begun to navigate it all. Navigating it has been the hardest part. Somedays everything feels great and then some days everything feels very, well....not great. I've found there is a fine line between "I'm okay AND it's fine, everything's fine", and let me tell you, I've been walking that line a lot this year. I think what I'm mostly trying to say to you as you read this, is that it's ok to have a bad day, a bad week or heck, even a bad year. What's key is knowing how you're going to take those bad things and turn them into good. So as I approach 36, with just under two hours left in this day, I challenge you to take hold of this new year, seize new opportunities and refuse to let anyone decide what your future may hold.

I always hold onto the quote, "God is within her SHE CAN NOT FAIL!"

He is with me and He is with you and no matter what life may throw at us, we can not fail.

So.

So long 35, and HELLO 36! May this be the year that I remember I can not fail!

He's working

I held my daughter for five minutes as she cried this morning. This has become our new normal.

I have watched my kids fall apart for three weeks now. Fall apart, pick themselves back up, fall apart again. This has been the vicious cycle. People always say, "kids are so resilient," but I have questioned how much resilience they could possibly have, and as soon as I question that, they say something out of their child-like faith that completely blows me away.

Kids really are resilient.

Very few times in my life, have I ever truly sat back and thought, LIFE IS NOT FAIR. And now I sit here, writing those words out, feeling it, that life is NOT fair. I don't feel that way all the time. Just mostly when I watch my kids handle big emotions. Emotions that most adults don't even deal with well. I try hard to help carry them, love them and listen to them. Some emotions come out in anger. Some come through as anxiety or fear. Others are just tears that seem to be never ending.

Now don't judge me for saying this, because I'm being super transparent, but it is all exhausting to be quite honest. For them, and for me.

With that being said, I am thankful for my faith in a God who I know will carry our burdens when we can't carry our own. I am thankful for a God who has shown up in the darkest of places and revealed himself not just to me, but to my children. I am thankful for a God who knows the beginning, middle and end of our lives here on this earth, because without that God, I don't know where we would be. It's really all we've had left to cling to.

In the midst of this grief, I wanted to share something with you that I hope will help you see Jesus in your situation.

A few days ago Sydnee and I were driving and listening to the song "Way Maker." She sings this song with so much passion that I could put it on repeat and just listen to her sing her heart out for Jesus and be completely fulfilled. During an instrumental in the song, right before my favorite part, Sydnee says, "hey mommy. Did you know that my daddy told me that you can worship Jesus anywhere? So I'm glad that you and I can worship Jesus in the car."

WOW. This sweet 9 year old girl, who's just lost her daddy is sharing her faith with me.

{WITH ME}, her mom who is supposed to be the one engraining this into her little life.

That my friends is what I call experiencing a God moment.

The song goes on to say,

"Even when I don't see it, you're working

and even when I don't feel it, you're working.

You never stop, you never stop working,

you never stop, you never stop working."

God is always working. When we feel like life is not fair, He's working. When we feel like we can't handle the emotions anymore, He's working. When the loneliness creeps in and the darkness seems to overtake us, He's working. I only know this to be true because I've experienced it. My kids are experiencing it. But His blessings, His promises and His vision for our future may not always jump out at us. Sometimes we have to find it, seek it and remember back to what He has promised.

Your current circumstance may seem like it will never get better, but I promise it will. I always have been reminded that God grows us the most in the valley. The valley is a place where the river feeds the plants and animals. It waters the hills and the mountains. It has beautiful green pastures. It's simply full of life. Today, rather than picturing your valley as a place to die, remember that God can do his best work in the valleys of our life.

These kids: Noah, Elijah and Sydnee, they are all being grown and cultivated in the valley. Is it comfortable? No. Do we always want to go through the hard times of the valley? No. But I know, and they know, their dad would be proud of how they're handling the valley, because all he ever could have hoped for them, was that in hard times, they lean on Jesus.

So here we are, taking on this new normal that lies ahead. Living in our current valley situation. Standing on the promise that God will never leave us alone there.

And even when we don't see Him, we know He's always working.

Love yourself.

It's hard to love yourself. Usually loving ourselves is associated with people, places or things. We love ourselves because of the person who shows us how much they love us. We associate love with places we've been or a childhood home. We find love in the things that we've been given by the people who mean the most to us. But what really is love when those things go away, disappear or change? That's when you have to do the hard work of recognizing what loving yourself really means.

I had love. It was magical. It felt amazing. I loved so hard and I was loved so hard in return. We had a great life with a family that we worked diligently to build and support. Then one day, it was over. Just like that. The love left. Sure there were things that led up to it ending, but it really did feel like the love was ripped away and it was suddenly gone. I quickly realized that all that time spent on love and I didn't even love myself. I did however love the idea of my life which disguised itself as my definition of what love was supposed to be. I then was faced with the hard task of figuring out what love looked like and this is what I've discovered.

Love is looking at yourself in the mirror and accepting your flaws and insecurities.

Love is giving without expecting anything in return.

Love is being alone and knowing that you are enough.

Love is falling into the arms of Jesus instead of searching for it elsewhere.

These are all affirmations and statements I have had to speak into myself as I navigate this new season of not receiving love in the way I'm used to. It's time to find it in myself FOR myself.

I hope that as we look ahead, trying to love ourselves, that you will remind yourself of who you were created to be, by the ultimate giver of love, Jesus. He created us each so individually perfect, knowing all the details of who we are from head to toe. We owe it to Him to love the person He created, because in his image, we are exactly who He wants us to be, called to love ourselves before even being capable of loving others.

So today, it's time to love you. Everyday going forward, we are going to make that choice. There is so much to love and you deserve to feel that about yourself.

And for what it's worth, I love you and think you are perfect just the way you are.