The time has come.

The time has come. It's been coming for a long time. It's time for me to pick up the pieces and move on. Now I have been moving said pieces for quite awhile now, but not all at once. It's been a little here and a little there, rearranging and trying to make them fit in new places. But I haven't truly picked them all up at once and moved forward. Part of moving those pieces forward is forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a fickle thing ya know. So many times we base it on our emotions for the day, the loyalties we possess or even the love we have beyond the hurt that has brought us to this place.

Today, I made the choice to stand firm in my forgiveness. It will not be wavered by a twinge of anger or a tear of regret. It won't hold onto loyalties to someone who had no loyalty to me and it certainly will not be given because of love, because to be honest that love was never true to begin with. This forgiveness is being given because it's not only what Jesus would call me to do, but it's truly what is best for me and for my children. In this forgiveness I am not looking back. I am choosing to move all of the pieces into their new home. I will not be controlled by the choices of another because I am choosing to forgive those choices that no longer bear any weight in my life. And you know what? That, is so freeing.

I don't know who you need to lend forgiveness to today, but I hope whenever you get to that point, you will pick up those pieces confidently and move forward. It's the best gift you could ever give yourself.

Faith over Fear

Have you ever felt a fear so strong that it literally took your breath away?

I have been there my friend. For the last several weeks I have walked that fine line between faith and fear.

When I was away for the weekend, I saw a woman wearing one of those "faith over fear" shirts and I instantly thought to myself, pshhht, "yeah lady, tell that to the person who has cancer, or just lost a loved one, or the individual dealing with a mental health illness so dark that they don't even remember what faith looks like." But then, I had to correct myself. I couldn't believe how I was triggered in such a negative way over something as silly as a saying on a t-shirt.

I've been pondering what happened that day. This whole year I have not lost faith. Not once.

I have felt many other emotions but I NEVER questioned God's plan in it all.

So why now? Why all the sudden am I struggling?

It occurred to me that I've been so busy worrying about what other people think I should be focusing on that I completely lost sight of what God wanted me to focus on. My FAITH in HIM.

It smacked me so hard in the face tonight as I laid in bed, mind circling around a million and one thoughts at 12:23 am. Anxiety raging as I prayed to God that He would heal me so I could raise my kids, see them go to college, watch them get married and have babies of their own.

Then there it was, that nudge and little voice that you know is straight from Jesus Himself:

----2 Timothy 1:7----

"For God does not give us a spirit of fear and anxiety, but of power, love and sound mind."

Friend, I know it is not easy to just turn off your fear and anxiety, but I can assure you that we serve a God who is so big, He can carry, handle and manage every negative, horrific, emotional thought you have. It is not always easy, but when you rest in Him, the burden does get lighter.

I can't promise you that you won't feel fear ever again, or that an anxious thought won't try to reside in your mind, but I do promise you that if you surrender it to Jesus, He will help you along your way and give you peace in all of it.

And that's where I find myself tonight, not just reminding you, but reminding me, that God has got this. He knows my beginning and where I've come from and He knows my end and where I'm going. I can't control the future, but I can trust that I'm not alone in any of it.

Hang in there, He's got you too.

To the woman who's hurting today.

My heart hurts on days like today. Maybe you can relate? Today is just one of those days that from the outside looking in, you'd think I'm blessed beyond measure with my three beautiful kids. I am. But what people don't always know is about that fourth one I'm missing so desperately today.

Mother's Day hasn't always been an easy day to celebrate. It's been tainted with loss, sadness, crippling grief and anxiety. My kids do their best to make me feel loved and I've had to learn to set my expectations for the holiday pretty low because at the end of the day, I just can't help but feel empty. Now this is not a blog to sell you a sob story of my poor pitiful life and how much I dislike Mother's Day, it really isn't. What I hope to do for the woman reading this, is to normalize your feelings about this day.

Mother's Day truly is meant to be celebrated. I for one cherish the memories I have with my mom and the other mom's I've been blessed with in my life. But it's also ok to not want to celebrate it either. So today, I want to say something to the following women, as an encouragement surrounding your feelings.

To the woman who isn't a mom. Whether you chose that or life chose it for you, I celebrate the strong and courageous soul that you are. I hope you know that not being a mom doesn't define who are. You will impact those around you more than you could ever know.

To the woman who has suffered miscarriage. I thank you for being so kind in telling other mother's around you "Happy Mother's Day" even though with each word, your heart breaks a little more. You are selfless beyond what you give yourself credit for.

To the woman who carried that baby only to suffer loss at the end. I empathize with you. I know that in that moment it felt like your hopes and dreams were shattered. That every time you see a child the age of what your little one would be, it sets you back and sometimes you don't know how you'll go on. Know that I admire your strength because you are far stronger than you could ever imagine yourself to be.

To the woman who has outlived your child. I'm sorry. Your grief cannot even be put into words. I cherish the memories with you and pray that one day, as you leave this life, you will be reunited with that sweet child again. I know that it will never stop hurting, and it's ok to want to hold onto that hurt, it's what connects you to them. Never let anyone tell you how to celebrate their life or grieve it.

To the rest of the moms out there, weary, tired and exhausted, know that I am cheering you on! You are doing far better than what you believe. Your kids are thriving, healthy and happy. You may never be able to give them everything they want but you will always have exactly what they need. Hang in there, it really does go by so fast.

Happy Mother's Day to every woman.

You are valued, loved and appreciated. And no one could ever be exactly you!