I feel alone.

Not many people are going to believe this statement but here we go.

I FEEL ALONE.

I have been marinating on those words all week. I really want to dive into what I'm feeling because I believe there are more of you out there who are feeling the same way.

I think feeling alone gets a bad rap, especially when you are surrounded by a community of people who would do ANYTHING for you, all you have to do is ask. People just assume you are ok. And you are, to a certain degree.

Let me explain.

Loneliness to me is sometimes being loved so well, but still being left with the feeling of standing completely by yourself. And to be honest, I think that's ok.

There are some things we go through in life that NO ONE will ever understand.

Things that God gives us, that are only ours. A life lesson if you may. I have had to face some really challenging things in this season of lonely. I've had to change my perspective, give grace, and remember that people, situations & loneliness only lasts for a short time.

Communities that have supported me in the past, look different now.

People fail you and then God shows up and blesses you with new people and teaches you that all humans will fall short because I too have fallen short.

My loneliness has taught me something even greater. Gratefulness.

Grateful that I have people who love me so much, they won't see this blog as an insult, but rather honor the feelings I'm processing.

Grateful that despite flawed humanness, I have eyes to find the good in some of life's messiest moments.

Grateful because some tough things have happened, but in return I've received some major, MAJOR blessings.

I just mostly hope you see that if you're in a space of feeling alone, it's ok. I give you permission to feel that way. It's not selfish. If anything it's healthy.

Acknowledge what you need.

Be brave in finding your truth.

Choose yourself and be honest with how you're feeling.

You owe it to yourself to find the clarity you need.

And most importantly, be thankful for your people.

CANCER. The word I'll hate forever.

March 2020. I walk into a doctors office, wearing a mask as Covid was stirring up it's chaos around the world. I already felt like I couldn't breath, but the words the doctor spoke to me "you have cancer", truly knocked the breath out of my lungs.

Fast forward. October 4, 2024. I've been on medication for this disease for 4.5 years. I am one, just ONE major benchmark away from the words remission and this tiny little lab gets in my way. Positive BRC-ABL. The cancer is present. The air was sucked out of my lungs again today.

Cancer is a disgusting word. When you look up the definition of it, it takes you down a medical road and in other findings, it's considered to be a practice or phenomenon that is deadly and evil.

I've known that this would be a chronic battle, hence the name chronic myeloid leukemia, but the battle isn't always in the physical. Sometimes it's the places your mind takes you. The fear, the wave of emotion, the heaviness that comes with all of it. My mind thinks of my kids. What they've been through. How much they still need me and it just snowballs into an oblivion of chaos and sorrow.

So with the pain and uncertainty of today, I decided to blog again. It's truly what got me through some of the hardest years of my life. I know that this is just a season and I am capable of hard things. But nothing will change the fact that cancer, is a word I'll hate forever.

I will be content.

Lately, a lot of people have told me I look very happy. Like genuinely happy. It's funny when you think about it, because it made me wonder what I looked like before.

Did I look sad, or mad, or maybe even confused? I don't know, but whatever I looked like then, I must appear to be happier now!

I actually have been so perplexed by this that I started to dissect my happiness from my sadness, and I came to an amazing conclusion. I realized I am not one OR the other. What I've actually found is contentment.

Contentment is in fact a "state of happiness" but it also is described by the word satisfaction.

I truly believe that when you become content in life, you've found a new space of peace that you haven't felt before, or maybe you haven't felt in a very long time.

I've also discovered that contentment is a place you come to, not an emotion you feel.

In this place, you find safety, clarity and for the first time, yourself.

Contentment shines a light on who you really are. It lives in a world of no offense, bitterness or anger. {That's not to say you'll never feel those things,} but when you're truly content, the annoyances that once fed your flame, no longer carry any kindling.

And let's not forget that there was probably a long, hard journey to get here, and a journey usually is defined by some hard times. Finding peace, usually requires some trials.

As I sit here thinking about my own hard times and trials and then I look at my family photos I obviously notice how things have changed, but I have a choice. Instead of dwelling on that change, I find myself at rest and content knowing that this is a beautiful life I've created.

So whatever journey it is that you are on today, I truly hope that you'll stay the course during the hardest of times because one day, when you come to the place of contentment, you'll look back and be thankful that you kept your eyes focused forward.

I promise, it will be worth it when you get here!